Problems with Bullying and What To Do
About It
By Rich Bayer, Ph.D.
It happens every day. A big kid comes up to a little
kid and hits him, or calls him names, or demands that he fork over his
lunch money. Often the big kid has a “buddy” or two backing him up,
watching, laughing, encouraging him.
We’re all familiar with this scene.
It’s called bullying. When it occurs, somebody gets
hurt—emotionally, physically, or both.
Of course, there’s the emotional pain suffered by
the victim. In my clinical practice, I’ve treated many who were victims
of childhood bullies. I’ve also treated a few who were bullies. The
bullies tend to have their own problems as adults, usually because they
continue their habit of bullying.
What’s the prevalence of bullying? In a sample of
15,000 students in U.S. schools in grades six to ten, 30% reported
moderate to frequent involvement in bullying. The highest incidence
occurred in middle school.
Other studies have shown that:
- Every
day in the U.S. about 160,000 students miss school due to fear of
bullying.
- 14%
of those who experience severe bullying suffer lifelong psychiatric
problems.
- 22%
of students who experience bullying have academic problems.
- Children
who are bullies are six times more likely to have a criminal
conviction by age 24.
A Definition
“Bullying,” is defined by the US Center of Mental
Health Services as, “repeated acts of physical, emotional, or social
behavior that are intentional, controlling, and hurtful.”
Studies show that these acts usually occur in and
around school buildings—in the schoolyards, corridors, or
bathrooms—during school breaks. The acts themselves include hitting,
pushing, and kicking, as well as indirect behaviors such as threatening,
name-calling, or exclusion. Bullying always involves a power imbalance
between the bully and the victim.
What are the long-term effects? Throughout their
lives, victims generally feel more insecure, anxious, or depressed than
their cohorts, and have higher rates of absenteeism at school or work.
Childhood bullies tend to become bullying adults. They’re more likely to
become child, or spouse, abusers, and more likely to exhibit criminal
behavior including involvement in vandalism and drug abuse.
Identifying and Helping the Victim
To determine if your child is a victim of bullying,
look for these signs:
- Is
socially withdrawn
- Has
few friends
- Feels
picked on, isolated, or rejected
- Often
complains of illness to avoid going to school
- His
or her possessions are often damaged or “lost”
- Wants
to take some kind of weapon to school for protection
- Talks
about running away
- Talks
about hurting themselves or others
To help children who are victims, first assure them
that it’s not their fault. Often victims feel they are somehow to blame
for the bullying, but that’s not true.
Let the child know that he or she will not face the
bully alone. Get the school involved. Have the victim tell an adult every
time he or she is bullied. In school, it’s best to report to a teacher
or administrator. At home, report to a parent.
Prepare a plan with the child. It may go something
like this: “When the bullying starts, tell the bully not to do that,
that it hurts you, then walk (don’t run) away and tell an adult.”
There are some important things that parents should
not do. Don’t tell the victim, “You need to work this out with the
bully,” or “You need to beat the bully up.” Already the child is
lower in power and cannot do this. The key is to get adults to intervene.
Also don’t try to mediate between the victim and
the bully. This could further victimize the child.
More importantly, bolster the positive side of those
who are victims. Strengthen their self-confidence by stimulating the
development of talents or other positive traits. Help them to join groups
of students of same age who have similar interests (music, sports, or
hobbies). Physical development training is especially helpful. Encourage
your child to make a friend and perhaps invite the friend over. This
reduces social isolation that makes victimization easier. Encourage your
child to make friends outside of the immediate family.
Identifying and Helping the Bully
Look for these sign to determine if your child is a
bully:
- Attempts
to dominate others
- Is
a poor loser
- Is
a poor winner—upon winning, will boast or become arrogant
- Has
poor anger control
- Is
a discipline problem
- Derives
satisfaction from others’ discomfort
- Lacks
empathy
To help a
bully, first tell him or her that bullying is not okay. Let the bully know
that there will be penalties for bullying.
Help him or her to understand the impact of bullying
on the victim. Describe what it’s like from the victim’s point of
view.
Teach the bully how to deal with frustration and
anger in ways that don’t involve hurting other people. Often
psychological counseling can help bullies learn ways to change their
behavior.
Bullying is one of those behaviors that affect other
people. It not only affects the victim adversely but also, if left
unchecked, becomes a life pattern that has serious consequences for the
bully as well.
--------------------------------------------------
Rich Bayer,
Ph.D., is the CEO of Upper Bay Counseling and Support Services, Inc. and a
practicing psychologist.
# # #
For More Information Contact:
Upper Bay Counseling and Support Services, Inc.
200 Booth Street, Elkton, MD 21921
Tel: 410-996-5104
Toll Free: 877-587-7750
FAX: 410-996-5197
Internet: info@upperbay.org
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