Did
You Hear What Was Said?
By Rich Bayer, Ph.D.
In a conversation, do you really listen to what the
other person is saying? If you’re like most people, you may have some
trouble with this. Your mind may wander. Or you get restless. Or maybe you
start thinking about how you disagree with the person. Or you interrupt
before the person is finished.
Most of us can hear,
but not all of us listen. Listening, however, doesn’t come naturally.
We’re not born with a talent for listening. The good news is that
listening is a learnable skill. Communication with other people improves
when we learn to listen. In his book The Seven Habits Of Highly
Effective People, Dr Stephen Covey lists as habit number five, “Seek
first to understand and then to be understood.”
We can boost our understanding of others when we
listen to what they have to say. Good listening habits strengthen our
relationships with family, friends, teachers and business associates, and
help us to acquire knowledge.
Improving Listening Skills
It’s one thing to hear what people say. As long as
the apparatus in the ear is working correctly, we can hear sounds and
words. But to listen to someone—especially to listen with
understanding—requires something more.
Here are some ways to improve your listening
skills…
1)
Learn to Pay Attention. This may be the single most important, and
obvious, factor in improving our listening skills. To listen, we must pay
attention. So what helps us pay attention when someone else is talking?
Focus on what’s being said. Keep your mind active while someone is
talking, and listen for main ideas. We can think about four times faster
than we can talk. On the one hand, this can lead us to distraction, but on
the other hand we can use this “extra” thinking power to increase our
understanding of what the speaker is saying.
Also, remove distractions. Turn off the TV and cell phone. Stop reading
the paper. Listening works best when you give the speaker your undivided
attention.
2)
Listen without Thinking of How You’re Going to Respond. While
someone is talking to you, don’t formulate arguments against what
they’re saying. Be patient with this person. Don’t interrupt. Also
don’t offer advice, unless asked. Then, when the speaker is finished
talking, you can start by first showing understanding of what he or she
has said. This understanding also demonstrates respect.
Then, if you disagree, you have your chance to state your ideas. The person you were listening to is more likely to listen to
you if he or she believes that you listened carefully to them.
3)
Listen with Your Eyes as Well as Your Ears. Face the speaker. This
helps in two ways. First it enables you to have eye contact with the
speaker, thus enhancing your connection with him or her. Second, when
facing someone, both of your ears are aimed in the right direction for
maximal hearing.
Also by observing the speaker, you’ll pick up non-verbal cues such as
arm movements and facial expressions that reveal the speaker’s true
emotional involvement with what he or she is saying.
Only half the information you learn from a conversation comes from
the actual words, the other half comes from the non-verbal cues.
4)
Listen with Positive Regard for the Speaker. Often when someone is
speaking, we look for faults or weaknesses in what that person says. This
leads to immediate disagreement. You’ll understand more of what the
speaker is saying if you can listen with empathy. When you’re feeling
what the speaker is feeling, you’re listening with empathy.
Also remain non-judgmental. You cannot understand what someone is saying
if you’re passing judgment on that person in the back of your mind. Even
when you dislike the person who’s talking, you’ll understand more of
what they’re saying if you can suspend any negative feelings toward
them.
5)
Give Regular Feedback. Use verbal and non-verbal cues to encourage
the speaker. Some verbal cues include short facilitators/interjections
such as, “I see,” “Uh-hunh,” and “Oh really.” You can also
paraphrase what the speaker is saying or use reflective questions. If the
speaker says, “I’ve been really depressed lately,” to paraphrase,
you might say, “I guess you’re feeling sad.” To ask a reflective
question to this statement, you might say, “What’s been getting you
down?” In each case, it will keep the speaker on track with what he or
she is saying.
Some non-verbal cues include nodding your head in response to what the
speaker is saying and reflecting the speaker’s emotion in your facial
expressions. Nodding your head shows the speaker that you’re listening.
This encourages the speaker to continue. Reflecting the emotions shows the
speaker that you’re feeling what he or she is feeling and that you
understand.
The above five techniques have been proven effective
by various psychological researchers. By using these techniques, you can
improve your listening skills. Try them and see how much of a difference
they can make, not only on how well you listen but in how much your
relationships with others improves.
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Rich Bayer,
Ph.D., is the CEO of Upper Bay Counseling and Support Services, Inc. and a
practicing psychologist.
For More Information Contact:
Upper Bay Counseling and Support Services, Inc.
200 Booth Street, Elkton, MD 21921
Tel: 410-996-5104
Toll Free: 877-587-7750
FAX: 410-996-5197
Internet: info@upperbay.org
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