Understanding Sibling Rivalry
By Rich Bayer, Ph.D.
“Mommy,
mommy! Billy took my toy,” screams Billy’s younger sister.
“But
Brandy got the front seat last time,” her sister Pam argues with arms
folded. “It’s my turn to sit in the front.”
“I
refuse to go to the movies with Toni,” exclaims her brother. “She’s
a big, fat pig!”
These
are all examples of sibling arguments. Are they also examples of sibling
rivalry? Not if they’re isolated incidents that happen only
occasionally. But if the arguments between siblings are ongoing and
frequent, then we can describe the pattern as “sibling rivalry.”
When
rivalry is present between siblings, their conflicts are typically NOT
solved during the arguments. That means that they’re not fighting about
the right issue. They’re not fighting about who sits up front in the
van. They’re fighting about something else.
When
rivalry is present, here are the four common issues that kids are really
fighting about:
1.
Getting a parent’s attention. This is the most common issue that
spurs sibling fighting.
2.
Jealousy. One sibling may be jealous of the other (what the other
one has, how the other one looks, or how well the other one does in
school).
3.
Teasing. Sibling fighting may take the form of teasing. By doing
this, they test the limits of what’s socially acceptable. In the family,
kids can test what they can say by judging what kind of pain it causes.
Though children may learn important lessons about how to interact with
other people, there are other ways to learn that are less hurtful.
4.
Expressing competition. We live in a competitive society and
sibling rivalry is an extension of that. It’s a way for kids to compete
with each other and learn how to manage their own competitive behavior.
What
Can Parents Do?
Here’s
a list of helpful interventions that parents can use to reduce or stop
sibling rivalry:
·
Don't pay attention to the fight; stay out of it. If they
are fighting for your attention and you don't get involved, they will
learn other, hopefully better ways to get your attention.
·
Don’t take sides, don't be the judge. When they’re
fighting, tell the kids, “I want you two to work this out,” and walk
away. Don’t get involved in the fight.
·
Offer problem-solving strategies when the children are not
fighting. It may be necessary to work with each child individually, but be
really careful that you are not inadvertently playing into the rivalry by
giving the desired attention. Offer support without saying whether the
child is right or wrong. Ask what the child thinks the fight was about and
how he or she might avoid this kind of fight in the future.
·
Avoid favoritism. Some researchers believe that perceived
favoritism is the greatest cause of sibling rivalry. So avoiding it helps
immensely. This can be challenging since parents may favor certain traits
in children over other traits. That means, children who have the favored
traits become favored. Hint #1: Pay attention to each child and determine
what kind of attention is needed. Consider that children are different and
need different things at different times. An exact minute for minute
accounting of your attention is not essential. Sometimes a child may
require some extra time. Hint #2: Give each child his or her own special
time with you. During this time, make sure no one else is around to
compete for your attention.
·
Make clear that ongoing conflict is unacceptable. When the
fighting has stopped, say something to the rivals like, “I’m unhappy
with the present level of fighting and I want you two to find a way to
work this out.” If a fight is just beginning, you may give the rivals a
group goal so they can work together for a positive outcome.
·
Remain positive. By finding something positive about each of
your children on an ongoing basis, you’ll reduce the level of sibling
rivalry.
·
Teach empathy. Empathy is the opposite of sibling rivalry.
The more sensitive siblings are to each other’s emotions, the less
they’ll challenge each other as rivals. (See my recent column on empathy
for more ideas.)
·
Know when to intervene. Sibling rivalry can develop into
abuse if one sibling regularly victimizes the other. If you follow all of
the above, this probably will not happen. But if you’re still struggling
with this situation, be alert. Check to see if someone is really getting
hurt and who’s too helpless to stop the abuser. The abuse can be
physical, emotional, or sexual. If it’s going on, your response must be
prompt and significant. This must not be allowed. If you can’t stop the
abuser yourself, seek outside help—a counselor, a friend of family
member, or the police or other authorities if you can't stop it any other
way.
Sibling
rivalry is common in families. It occurs especially in families where kids
are close in age. It challenges parents to find solutions, yet resolution
can make everyone stronger.
I
recommend the solutions listed above. Try them. I’m sure you’ll find
they can help.
------------------------------------
Rich Bayer, Ph.D., is the
CEO of Upper Bay Counseling and Support Services, Inc. and a practicing
psychologist.
# # #
For More Information Contact:
Upper Bay Counseling and Support Services, Inc.
200 Booth Street, Elkton, MD 21921
Tel: 410-996-5104
Toll Free: 877-587-7750
FAX: 410-996-5197
Internet: info@upperbay.org
|
