Understanding
Resilience
By Rich Bayer, Ph.D.
Bill had a difficult childhood. Before he was born,
his father died in a car accident. His mom remarried but his step-dad
was an alcoholic with an itch for violence. Bill’s mother took the worst
of it. The step-dad often attacked her and hit her with his fists. Bill
experienced this over and over until he grew old enough and strong
enough to stand up for his mom and fight his step-dad off.
To make matters worse, Bill’s family lived in poverty
or near-poverty through most of his childhood. Bill remembers, as a boy, how
he felt ashamed of his family life and how he wouldn’t talk about it with
anybody. It was his own “dark secret.”
But he found a way to cope with this life. He found a
way to rise above the problems. Later, he would say of his step-dad, “I
hated what he did, but I never hated him.”
He even found enough respect for his step-dad that he
decided to take his step-dad’s last name. He kept the first and second names
of his biological father, William Jefferson Blythe, but took the last name
of his step-dad, Roger Clinton.
And yes, this is the childhood story of Bill Clinton,
the 42nd president of the United States.
He had what psychologists call “resilience,” the
ability to rise above adversity.
Overcoming Childhood Difficulties
Every day, millions of children worldwide live in
adverse conditions. How do they manage? Some don’t. Some experience serious
mental health problems that appear in late childhood or early adulthood. But
about half of these children find ways to avoid serious problems, and many
even go on to greatness.
According to folk wisdom, and even professional
judgment, children growing up in harsh circumstances are more likely to
become victims, emotionally scarred for life. But statistics show otherwise.
Among children living in stressful circumstances such as child abuse,
poverty, war, contact with criminal behavior, physical illness, alcoholism
or drug abuse, about 50% to 70% actually do okay in life.
Because of statistics like these, researchers believe
that all children have a capacity for “self-righting,” an ability for
self-correcting and personal growth. This is another way to look at
resilience.
Some part of our capacity for resilience is genetic. We
inherit a certain propensity for it. But many components of resilience are
learned, which means they can be taught. It also means we can all become
more resilient if we focus on learning some new skills.
Traits of Resilient People
Psychologists have studied resilient people and
identified numerous traits that they have in common. Here is some
information about these traits:
Resilient people do not escape from traumatic events
unharmed. Typically they feel deep emotional pain from stressful events
they’ve experienced. But, instead of being overwhelmed with the pain, it
motivates them to escape it by doing better in their own lives.
Resilient people have a strong need to maintain their
self-esteem. They develop confidence and belief in their skills and
abilities. This also shows in their upbeat attitude. They do not allow
painful events to cripple them or cause them to feel powerless.
When something they’re involved in goes wrong,
resilient people don’t blame themselves. They externalize it; they find
reasons outside of themselves why things went wrong. On the other hand, when
something they do goes right, they own the success.
They are “survivors” not “victims.” Resilient people
survive by maintaining a distance between themselves and any person, place,
or thing that can bring them down. Victims, on the other hand, feel
powerless over the outside forces that can do them harm and this often keeps
them feeling depressed.
Resilient people use insight. They ask hard questions
about themselves and they’re not satisfied until they find some reasonable
answers. This process leads to greater personal understanding.
Resilient people associate with others they can rely
on. They develop friendships with helpful, positive people.
Resilient people do a lot of reframing. Where some see
problems, they see opportunities. The glass is not half-empty; it’s
half-full. They look at hurtful events of the past and find something
positive in them, something they learned or something that enhances their
inner strength.
Resilient people can regulate their emotions. They can
remain calm even when confronted with a stressful situation. They experience
their emotions but manage to keep them under control. Skills that help with
emotional regulation can be learned and practiced – deep breathing,
relaxation, and meditation are examples.
Finally, resilient people have a good sense of humor.
Their joking and laughter helps them get along with others while it also
helps them make light of difficult situations.
Strengthening these Traits
These traits all require a positive attitude or
optimistic outlook. What’s more all of them can be improved by working on
them.
If you’re
interested in improving these traits in your life, check the book The
Resilient Self by Steven Wolin, M.D., and Sybil Wolin, Ph.D. In this,
you’ll find more information and guidelines that can help you make a
positive change.------------------------------------
Rich Bayer,
Ph.D., is the CEO of Upper Bay Counseling and Support Services, Inc. and a
practicing psychologist.
For More Information Contact:
Upper Bay Counseling and Support Services, Inc.
200 Booth Street, Elkton, MD 21921
Tel: 410-996-5104
Toll Free: 877-587-7750
FAX: 410-996-5197
Internet: info@upperbay.org
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